Nekkid, Rugged & Raw
This is where I should talk about why I started this blog, how it will help you and me (how cathartic) and a little bit about me. Well that’s all so boring (and it’s encapsulated in my “about me” page).
I figure I might as well just jump in.
I, for the most part am extremely happy in my life. Well…that’s overstating a bit. My life as of late has been a helluva a rollercoaster. Well…that’s a bit of an understatement.
I love my children, I love the work I do. I love my man yet all is not right. Half of my days seem so hard to bear and I lay down spiritually exhausted wondering: “What is my next move?”, “How did I get here?”, “This is going to get better, isn’t it?” and mostly the “What am I doing wrong question?”.
I don’t mean to sound like a Sad Suzy or an Existential Ebony, my life is not all bad but it is forever a grind. I can’t seem to escape the welfare system, although I despise the counterproductive entitlement it continues to facilitate in poor communities. My relationship with my fiance and father of my children is unravelling faster that a cheap sweater and I often feel like The Little Engine Who Could but just hasn’t quite yet.
And on top of all of that I walk around with this impenetrable exterior. I keep most of the things going wrong in my life to myself. I am outwardly in a continual state of Pump Your Fist in the Air, Sista! Smiles and passion and uplifting diatribes and somehow I am not always sure if I believe what comes out of my mouth. When people say they find me inspirational, that they believe in me I become uncomfortable, it scares me. I am partly certain I will disappoint them.
Now I may sound like I am ready to mix up a mean End-it-All Cocktail but there are somethings that no matter how bad I seem to be beating myself up that keep me going.
My kids have the best smiles in the world and they never stop dancing. Because I make my own schedule, I no longer feel as if I am missing out on their lives.
I am surrounded by people who genuinely love me and my family. Many of them are not bound by blood or time to do so. In the last three years the amazingly supportive people I have befriended have become my anchors. My father’s suddenly vocal encouragement validates me. I am notorious for staying in toxic relationships much longer than I should and that includes friendships. I spent the first 6 years of my 20’s believing I was this horribly, incapable and insensitive bag of unstable emotions, a feeling mostly encouraged by my then current “friends”. As I approached and safely arrived at my 30’s I have never felt more self aware and personally satisfied with who I am on a spiritual and emotional level (I suppose I should give some credit to my therapists as well).
I have a
job career while not yet financially lucrative is mentally and emotionally satisfying. I am making my own way in this world. Despite the level of obstacles I have faced in the last 10 years, I have always reconciled with my choices. I have managed to move (mostly) forward and create an opportunity for myself and my children where it seemed like there were none. I was not satisfied with just putting my head down and not acknowledging my own talents and intellect. I was not happy with just a regular job (which there is certainly nothing wrong with but my ego wouldn’t allow it) and I could not blame giving up my ambition on my children. I have certainly CHOSE a much more challenging path, one that many may fault me for. I want no accolades for that but Lynn didn’t raise a child that would take it laying down.
So every morning no matter how heavy my heart might feel, despite the devil looping my insecurities over and over in my head, I say “you are fabulous, you are capable, you are beautiful” even if I don’t fully mean it. I put one foot in front of the other and meet the day.